Geneva

It's that time of year again. Men are stumbling about looking rather dazed, they seem a little slow when you speak to them, and they all tend to start talking to themselves if they aren't in someone's company. It's called Shocked-at-unveiling-of-many-sexy-new-cars-at-Geneva-Motorshow-syndrome. I unfortunately have been suffering from this disease for the past week, I even got annoyed and started shouting at a picture of a model that was spoiling the view of the new Lamborghini Murcielago SV. Such is the volatile effect that this motorshow has on poor innocent men throughout the world.

So what are the salient points of the motor show? I hear you ask. Well, let's start with the aforementioned Lambo. This is essentially a beefed up, track ready version of the already track ready LP 640. Is it fast? Well, that's a stupid question. The car is the very definition of the word, which can also be defined by the Ferrari 599xx. I've got to feel sorry for the car though; the pathetic name can't truly muster up the sort of presence the car has. Ferrari has gone about improving the car in an altogether different way to that of Lamborghini though. In the Murcielago, the new bodykit has been tailor made to make the car look more like the Reventon, with abrupt angles and a huge spoiler. Ferrari on the other hand have used a more technical approach, using their racing knowledge to manufacture a car that is less style, but has substance poured all over it.

We now move onto the more luxurious, velvet clad side of the motorshow. That is to say, Aston Martin. Now, I could have a cold, but I think the reason I'm all hot and cold is because of what Aston has done to my senses. Y'see, we all knew that they were going to release the new One-77 out into the wild, and yes, when the fricking cover that had stayed half draped over it for the past couple of motorshows was finally removed, the car was a lot prettier than I had expected. £1 million pretty, No. But the real reason why I have been getting these shivers is because Aston have broken the golden rule of performance car makers. They've gone and made a 4X4; though, if you say to one of their marketing team that it's nothing more than a glorified Range Rover, they'd probably deck you.

So, I've talked about some of the highlights; it's now time time to look at the car who should be kept in the shadows. Let's start with a car that shows as much styling flair and finesse as Noel Edmonds; it is of course the Skoda Yeti. I'm finding it hard to decide which part of the car I should criticise most. Let's start with... oh I don't know? The name. What idiot in the boardroom splurted this drivel out, and what idiots all thought it was a good idea. Now, in general, I am a secret fan of Skodas. I like the fact that you can buy an Octavia vRS for several grand less than a Golf GTI, but Skoda have started to worry me with their new design direction. Which is basically getting a Skoda, and then tacking a great big moustache to the front of it. The rest of the car is devoid of character; even Ford had a go at making its soft-roader stylish with the Kuga.

Sigh, rant over. Bring on Geneva 2010.

Roman

Sold: to the geezer with the slick-back hair wearing a leather jacket

A trip back in time to the 1980s may only seem possible in a Delorean DMC-12  or the Tardis, however if you go down to Paddock Wood car auction house today, you'll be in for a big surprise. From the concrete buildings to the Caf where a healthy menu with options of a Full English or a plate of bacon, fried eggs, sausage, black pudding, mushrooms, beans and toast are available. I would recommend either meal with a bottle of their finest HP. It was while I ate my plat au cholestérol I realised we were surrounded by what could only be described as an Only Fools and Horses lookalike convention. These peculiar gentlemen did this for a living, they are the pilgrims of the car auctions huddled around clutching The Book of the motoring faith; The Glass's Guide to car valuation. 

Now to the cars. There were many beautiful Audi A4s up for sale. The one problem with car auctions is the risky business of only being able to inspect the outside. I apologise for another pun, but the prospective owners had their faces glued to windows like a scene from the film Shaun of the Dead, except this time there were no zombies, only Polish, Turkish and Chavs. 

You do get a few minutes to see if the car works whilst it is ferried to the auction shed. This gives the sensible people time to check for blown head gaskets, engine noises and bodies in the boot. Car auctions are a great opportunity for people to get a real bargain. However, since most people are keeping their old cars in the hope they'll be worth an extra 50p in six months time, the only real bargains were the damaged repairable cars. Auctioning your old car may seem a profitable option if you fit into one of the following categories: an Audi driving sales rep, a taxi driver or someone who likes to make illegal cut 'n shut vehicles in your spare time. 

So is it worth the effort making a journey to your nearest auction room to buy a car that you've only seen for five minutes? No. If only there was a way of auctioning using the internet so we wouldn't have to leave the comfort of our homes to purchase motorcars?

Franco