The Art of British

I am here to address with you today ladies and gentlemen a question that has been lingering with me for some time.. why the British car industry hasn't got its act together? This of course calls for a few paragraphs of sentimental gazing into the past that was a proud and well oiled British car industry.

Let's choose some highlights, I don't like the whole timeline thing... ehrr, the Rolls Royce Corniche. Quiet possibly the only convertible I would be happy to step into. This car first engrained its authority into my head when I watched Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, with Michael Caine pootling about in it in the South of France.

I recently saw a Bentley Mulliner Flying Spur, and it ferociously dragged my eyes over its panel beaten rear arches, leading in a smooth but strong crease to the front of the car. No other car in this modern age can do that. I can get excited when I see a Lamborghini Gallardo for example; but that's because one sees the sharp angular edges that define the air scoops, and the outlandish angles and surfaces. I know that it's a Lamborghini, and therefore know that it is good. What happened with the Bentley was different, it drew my eyes towards it. I did not know what it was, but I knew it was special. This is a car that does not get motor heads drooling over it, this is a car which the ladies of the Cote d'Azur swoon over. No modern car can do that, not even the latest Bentleys, which have lost their way, being the preserve of the football stars.

I have now come to the inevitable, the impossible black whole that sucks any article even remotely mentioning historic British cars into it. This dark void in space is of course the E-Type effect. Impossibly cool, retro in a non-cliched way, the Jaguar E-Type could never hit 150 mph, it probably leaves trails of carbon dioxide that would make a 4X4 look green, but my God, parked next to a shop window, seated in its armchairs, you will never have a cooler reflection. When you first see one, the first thing you'll notice is how small it is. You'll then realise just how special a car it is. The spoked wheels, the contoured bodywork with chrome detailing that is effective but not in your face, all make this a design ikon. It has been years before jaguar have managed to get that panache back into its models. It is of course the latest Jaguar XKR that has restored the link  between power and these Isles. Of course, that's not without a little help from Tata.

In fact, JLR as it is now known is owned not by Ford, but by the Indian Megabusiness. And here is the key to why Jaguar are starting to build world class cars again. Yes, our car industry needs backing by foreign companies, but it needs to be companies that are willing to act like a rich Father spoiling their children. Ford tried to impose its ideals onto Jaguar with disasterous effect. Take the X-Type for example. A horrible car for people who think Jaguar should be kept perpetually in the 1960s.

The only car companies that have managed to go it alone successfully are Caterham, Morgan and Lotus. These are companies with probably some of the best engineers in the world, and all they need is a caring adopter to sky rocket them into Ferrari territory.

Roman

Confessions of a Petrolhead

I feel it is time to share my reasons for why cars fill up most of my waking thoughts, as it is through one's own experiences and their environment that shapes the feelings and responses they get when they hear a yellow Ferrari 360 making it's unmistakeable baarp as it blips down a gear, before squatting close to its Pirellis and notch into hyperspeed. Personally, I make the noise a teenage girl makes after seeing Zac Efron pass them by on the street.

One of the earliest things I can remember as a young boy was being given a model of a Ferrari. I can't remember what model it was, probably an F40; but it had that Rosso Corsa paint job that links any ferrari I see now adorned in such a colour to a deep sentimentality enforced by my playing with this small toy car. Then I had a tiny green model of a Ferrari 308 GTB which I used to drift around obstacles on the carpet of my room, and for many years I wondered what the bumps at the front of the car were for. I now know they're lights big enough to light up the whole of the Monte Carlo rally.

I have always been able to draw well, and so instead of playing football, I'd pull out my The ultimate history of fast cars book and I would draw, and draw and draw. It was then that I realised what I would have to be when I was older, a car designer. Unfortunately, this was when the 'tuner' bug bit me (this is a condition that affects the majority of petrolheads, unfortunately, it hits most people when they are around 17 and so vandalise what terrible cars they have got with dodgy body kits, badly attached mesh, and poorly tuned exhausts. Fortunately this hit me when I was about 12, so I have had enough time to get over it). I used to be a frequent buyer of tuning magazines, and would dream of taking a standard mondeo, and dressing it up to look like the ST24. Oh happy days...

And then came Gran Turismo and consequently my deep love for Nissan Skylines. I have had a few interesting rides in cars (note: not drives), I have been in a TVR Carbera 4.2, which was a particularly brutal experience, with an engine so rooted to that of a race car's that it could charge to 60 mph in 3.9 seconds. Then there's the Nissan 350Z that was tuned to 500 bhp, and I happened to experience it on a wet track in a drifting challenge. And how could one not mention the Audi RS6...

So, that's why I love cars so much.

Roman

Geneva

It's that time of year again. Men are stumbling about looking rather dazed, they seem a little slow when you speak to them, and they all tend to start talking to themselves if they aren't in someone's company. It's called Shocked-at-unveiling-of-many-sexy-new-cars-at-Geneva-Motorshow-syndrome. I unfortunately have been suffering from this disease for the past week, I even got annoyed and started shouting at a picture of a model that was spoiling the view of the new Lamborghini Murcielago SV. Such is the volatile effect that this motorshow has on poor innocent men throughout the world.

So what are the salient points of the motor show? I hear you ask. Well, let's start with the aforementioned Lambo. This is essentially a beefed up, track ready version of the already track ready LP 640. Is it fast? Well, that's a stupid question. The car is the very definition of the word, which can also be defined by the Ferrari 599xx. I've got to feel sorry for the car though; the pathetic name can't truly muster up the sort of presence the car has. Ferrari has gone about improving the car in an altogether different way to that of Lamborghini though. In the Murcielago, the new bodykit has been tailor made to make the car look more like the Reventon, with abrupt angles and a huge spoiler. Ferrari on the other hand have used a more technical approach, using their racing knowledge to manufacture a car that is less style, but has substance poured all over it.

We now move onto the more luxurious, velvet clad side of the motorshow. That is to say, Aston Martin. Now, I could have a cold, but I think the reason I'm all hot and cold is because of what Aston has done to my senses. Y'see, we all knew that they were going to release the new One-77 out into the wild, and yes, when the fricking cover that had stayed half draped over it for the past couple of motorshows was finally removed, the car was a lot prettier than I had expected. £1 million pretty, No. But the real reason why I have been getting these shivers is because Aston have broken the golden rule of performance car makers. They've gone and made a 4X4; though, if you say to one of their marketing team that it's nothing more than a glorified Range Rover, they'd probably deck you.

So, I've talked about some of the highlights; it's now time time to look at the car who should be kept in the shadows. Let's start with a car that shows as much styling flair and finesse as Noel Edmonds; it is of course the Skoda Yeti. I'm finding it hard to decide which part of the car I should criticise most. Let's start with... oh I don't know? The name. What idiot in the boardroom splurted this drivel out, and what idiots all thought it was a good idea. Now, in general, I am a secret fan of Skodas. I like the fact that you can buy an Octavia vRS for several grand less than a Golf GTI, but Skoda have started to worry me with their new design direction. Which is basically getting a Skoda, and then tacking a great big moustache to the front of it. The rest of the car is devoid of character; even Ford had a go at making its soft-roader stylish with the Kuga.

Sigh, rant over. Bring on Geneva 2010.

Roman

Sold: to the geezer with the slick-back hair wearing a leather jacket

A trip back in time to the 1980s may only seem possible in a Delorean DMC-12  or the Tardis, however if you go down to Paddock Wood car auction house today, you'll be in for a big surprise. From the concrete buildings to the Caf where a healthy menu with options of a Full English or a plate of bacon, fried eggs, sausage, black pudding, mushrooms, beans and toast are available. I would recommend either meal with a bottle of their finest HP. It was while I ate my plat au cholestérol I realised we were surrounded by what could only be described as an Only Fools and Horses lookalike convention. These peculiar gentlemen did this for a living, they are the pilgrims of the car auctions huddled around clutching The Book of the motoring faith; The Glass's Guide to car valuation. 

Now to the cars. There were many beautiful Audi A4s up for sale. The one problem with car auctions is the risky business of only being able to inspect the outside. I apologise for another pun, but the prospective owners had their faces glued to windows like a scene from the film Shaun of the Dead, except this time there were no zombies, only Polish, Turkish and Chavs. 

You do get a few minutes to see if the car works whilst it is ferried to the auction shed. This gives the sensible people time to check for blown head gaskets, engine noises and bodies in the boot. Car auctions are a great opportunity for people to get a real bargain. However, since most people are keeping their old cars in the hope they'll be worth an extra 50p in six months time, the only real bargains were the damaged repairable cars. Auctioning your old car may seem a profitable option if you fit into one of the following categories: an Audi driving sales rep, a taxi driver or someone who likes to make illegal cut 'n shut vehicles in your spare time. 

So is it worth the effort making a journey to your nearest auction room to buy a car that you've only seen for five minutes? No. If only there was a way of auctioning using the internet so we wouldn't have to leave the comfort of our homes to purchase motorcars?

Franco

Car Design

Today, I feel it is time to talk a little bit more about design of cars. This is very relevant considering that the person who I respect most in the whole industry, Chris Bangle, has decided to jump ship for horizons new. This was the man who made me realise that normal cars could be works of art as much as any  Ferrari or Lamborghini is. He is of course, the head designer of BMW. Or he was, until a couple of weeks ago.

But before we delve into the genius of Bangle, lets look at what makes a great car design. To really visualise what I view a great car design to be, you have to think of the iPod. Yes, I know it's not a car, but every designer strives to make function as pure and simple as possible. That's what Jonathan Ive achieved when he designed the iPod. I want to achieve that same design feat with cars, but going about designing such a car is easier said than done.

Every car manufacturer has their own little quirks that set them apart form other manufacturers. Citroen has two chevrons that integrate into the grille design, whilst alfa romeo has the shield front that stands proudly from front of the car, and it is these influences to that pose a problem to the ultimate design of a car. Because the ultimate design of a car would not have these funny fripperies which would spoil the lines of the car.

Designing a car with no immediate tell tale  designs would of course be mad, because whatever company to try and sell it to, they would say, where's the thing that makes it unique to my brand. So, designers have to work with these constraints, so, as you can see, achieving perfect form and function is harder than it looks.

Which is where Chris Bangle steps in. Working with the two kidney grill design that is such a stalwart of BMW style, he managed to sculpt a design using his ground breaking flame surface style to create one of the most important cars of the 21st century, the utterly gorgeous 7 series (runs away from the barrage of angry comments). He moved on to restyle the rest of the BMW range, including the prettiest car for under £30k, the BMW Z4. Most importantly however, Bangle's ethos has always been about form and functionality. His 3 series design produces  a drag of 0.26 cD, which is phenomenally low for a saloon.

But alas, Bangle has gone from the automotive industry in order to persue different interests. Why, I do not know, but he will be sorely missed. Adrian van Hooydonk, you have high expectations on your shoulders now.

Roman

Engine + Turbo = Fun Fun Fun

After ten years of doom and gloom the 1.4 T-jet engine has put the Fun back in FIAT. The Bravo is to Fiat what the Focus is to Ford; an all round family car. Its wonderfully curvaceous rear adds elegance to your everyday traffic. Fiat have really worked hard making the diesel and small petrol engines in their range really environmentally friendly, which is nice but the thing everyone secretly craves is power. The best model is obviously the fastest and most powerful - the 1.4 T-Jet 150 sport. The science behind it shows that emissions can be cut by using smaller turbocharged instead of big heavy petrol drinking V6 engines.

The only downside is the engine name "T-Jet", the T stands for Turbocharged, which I feel Fiat are ashamed of. Iconic turbos include the Porsche 911, the Renault 5 Turbo, the Bentley Turbo and various Saab Turbo models. In the eighties and nineties car companies fitted turbochargers to all sorts of vehicles, it gave them huge amounts of power and made them go like feces off a shovel. At the time the word turbo turned into a household brand which subsequently lead to the overuse of the term; things like turbo whisks, and turbo irons and turbo blenders started to appear in every house. Alas, nowadays it is no longer acceptable to associate cars with their gas guzzling sports turbocharged ancestors. The car industry has prevented any association with the word turbo by disguising it as a T, but don't tell a soul - it might cause a drop in car sales.

Back to the Bravo, if you look very carefully you notice the subtle sporty features which include 17" alloys as standard (unlike like Roman's BMW 3 series), twin exhaust pipes and beautiful black leather with red stitched sport seats (a must have extra). Inside it has bluetooth handsfree, and a USB port for data communication between your stereo and your digital media device. The main bad point is the lack of leg room in the back; I suffer from the well known Italian shortness syndrome, but I didn't realise Fiat's target market are passengers who no longer require the usage of their legs (which can be easily removed if you move the front seats far back enough whilst the passengers sit in the rear). 

All of that aside, the best thing about the Bravo 1.4 T-jet is is the SPORT button: its the closed thing you'll get to maximum warp on the school run. You simply touch the throttle and after the short calm before the storm*, the steering becomes harder and you are propelled into what seems another dimension. Maybe that was a touch on the enthusiastic side but it does make a boring car journey to the shops seem really fun. If you don't have a family or just don't like the look of the Fiat bravo, more powerful, suped up versions of the 1.4 T-jet are available in the Abarth 500 SS and Alfa Romeo Mi.To.

Stars: 6

*The geeks among you will understand that this momentary pause is called turbo lag, which isn't supposed to be a good thing but its not a Nissan GTR so who cares.

Franco

Snow means.......

Rally driving! Well you you need a few things before you do attempt to recreate your own Rally of Finland in along your local snow ridden A roads. Only do this if you have all of the following items:

• A Finnish man
• A snowed over road with corners
• An rally car such as the Escort Mk 1:

Happy snow day

From Franco and Roman